Dear Cathie,
Our daughter has entered a new stage, where she whines and pouts when she does not get her way. She is quite dramatic, and some of these incidents last a fairly long time. What can I do to help her snap out of it more quickly? Why is this happening? Her younger sister now joins in when big sister pouts, and I worry it is becoming a habit.
– A WORRIED MOM
It is always challenging and puzzling when children begin to exhibit a behavior that is new and less than positive. Our first goal is to seek to understand it. Your daughter is learning to handle her emotions. She has not had as much experience with this skill as children who are older. Therefore, her reactions and responses are immature and varied. She is trying out different responses and seeing how they go. Part of her continued pouting may be that she perceives that she is getting attention from this behavior. Pouting is a common reaction, and many children (both boys and girls) use this behavior to handle their disappointment. The goal is to help her identify and handle her feelings in a more positive and socially acceptable way.
What can you do to help her? I would encourage you to “look to the child, who is not yet there and see her as she will unfold.” So envision your daughter a bit older and having learned how to handle not getting her way more maturely. How will it look? How will she act? Then work towards identifying and growing those behaviors. Until then, it helps to remember that she is just learning and practicing a new skill. This helps you be less involved emotionally. All parents want their child to be happy, but that does not mean every child is happy every minute. And for some children, this type of learning to handle disappointment comes easier than for others.
I recommend that you distract your younger child with an invitation to do something with you. “Come on, Rachel! Let’s go play with play dough.” Samantha will join us when she is feeling better.
Be empathetic. While the situations that cause pouting may seem minimally important and even silly to you, they are very real for your child. Try to envision the situation from your child’s point of view.
Name her feelings for her. “You are so disappointed that we do not have any peaches for lunch. You wanted to have peaches, and now you have to choose a different fruit. You are getting used to that idea. You will feel better in a minute. Would you like a hug? No? You want to be sad on the stairs? OK! Come on back to lunch when you are ready.”
Speak confidently about her ability to handle this situation and recover from it. “I know you wanted to choose the first book, but it is your sister’s turn today. You will get to choose tomorrow.” Avoid too much discussion and analysis. Just be as calm and matter fact as you are able.
Give her attention when she displays behaviors that you want to encourage and ignore behavior that you want to discourage. While no feelings are ‘bad’ or unacceptable, a child’s reaction to those feelings can be encouraged or discouraged by the amount of attention you give to them and to her when she is displaying them. Acknowledge the feelings, name them, and move on.
Give her time and a structured way to adjust to her feelings. “You may sit on the stairs (or wherever seems appropriate) until you feel better.” And when she is finished pouting you might comment, “I’m glad you are feeling better and are ready to join us.” In the case of the book-reading incident above, it is fine to begin reading to the younger child while the older child is pouting in the corner. If the story-reading time is ended and nap time has begun, she simply misses story time for today. Predictability is comforting to children, even when they are arguing about it.
Model the handling of things that do not go your way in an appropriate manner. “I was so looking forward to having my friend Madeleine come to visit. But now she is sick, and the plan is cancelled. I am so disappointed!” Pause dramatically! “I think I will… make a special treat for dinner. That will help me feel better.”
As you read books, discuss how the children handle their emotions. Here are some examples of books that are appropriate: The Pout-Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen and Dan Hanna, The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, and The Berenstein Bears by Stan and Jan Berenstein. Your children’s librarian can
recommend many, many others.
Breathe and believe in the power of time and the growth that will occur in your child.
A new behavior and stage in a child’s development can feel overwhelming for a parent. This is especially true when the behavior is not something we want to encourage! But remember that many of these behaviors will naturally dissipate with time and maturity! Once a child has tried out the pouting reaction to disappointment and sees that it does not yield any attention from her parents, she may begin to explore other ways to handle her disappointment. Try to understand her feelings and her reaction and see past it! May this stage end quickly for your family!
Much luck!
Cathie
Tomorrow’s Child / November 2014 / p 28
