Lively conversation in a queue. Two unemployed attractive young women in strict clothing talking to each other at the HR department and discussing their resumes while waiting their turn for a job interview
Education requires parents, teacher, and child to work together in cooperation. A weakness in any of these decreases the efficiency of others while inhibiting the development of the child.” —Maria Montessori
Courageous Conversation occurs when people come to a conversation with a deep concern for human welfare, values, and dignity. It exists as people say what they honestly think and feel, so others can hear their message without feeling judged and can respond to it in like manner without feeling afraid of retribution. The purpose of Courageous Conversation between parents and teachers is to create a safe space for meaningful dialogue and discussions about issues regarding the child. The desired end is to understand each other’s perspective and work together to best serve the child. This process requires vulnerability, humility, open-mindedness, compassion, kindness, and respect.
It is important that Montessori teachers understand they serve the whole family when they have a child in their care. The parent-child relationship is sacred, and the love they share is enough of an impetus for teachers to seek understanding. Because of this factor, teachers’ interactions with parents must come from a place of love, compassion, and support. It is also important for parents to come to the conversation with the same awareness, and intentions; it is important for parents to see the teacher-child as a revered relationship.
When both parties show up with these intentions, it creates a space for a true and honest dialogue to take place. These conversations are not always a means to an end. They are designed to be a reflective learning process. They are an opportunity to seek understanding regarding others’ viewpoints and assumptions. If done with an open heart, these conversations can create a flow of meaning and a new and shared understanding of the child’s learning can emerge. Dialogue is a medium for the collective exploration of meaning; it is not a search for who is right. If we value the process of exploring the thoughts and feelings of others as much as we value our own, it leaves us open to being truly changed by the conversation.
This change creates an opportunity for parent and teacher to work in concert for the good of the child. Only then can real productive and effective discussion begin, discussion being a conversation where decisions are made, agreements are reached, priorities are identified, and action steps are set. It is through Courageous Conversation that teachers and parents can build, nurture, and maintain a healthy relationship.
Courageous Conversation can be difficult for parents because of the fear that surrounds it. Parents are sometimes hesitant to disclose family issues or may be reluctant to admit hard things about their child. One of Montessori philosophy’s main emphases is the development of the whole child, yet teachers don’t get to experience the child fully. They rely on parents to help complete the child’s story, even if the story is painful at times. These contributions work both ways. As a parent, keep in mind that teachers are your teammates and not your adversaries. Parents are sometimes concerned that they will receive a negative reaction from the teacher for things said during a conversation or there will be repercussions for the child. The benefits of Courageous Conversation far outweigh this perceived fear
and trust must be granted in both directions.
One of the most powerful ways to overcome resistance to Courageous Conversation is to deepen your understanding of what it looks like in practice and how it can lead to a better partnership with your child’s teacher, which will enhance your child’s experience and ultimate growth. Start by believing the teacher loves your child and that the teacher’s greatest desire is to build a strong collaborative
relationship with those who love the child most.
Preparation by Parents for a Courageous Conversation
Remember, you are on the same team with your child’s teacher, working together in partnership for the good of your child. Be prepared to collaborate. You should expect your child’s teacher to keep your matter private, to address it promptly, and to be professional.
Raise your concern as early as possible; don’t delay. However, if you are feeling emotional, you might wait until you feel calm enough to talk.
Raise your concern directly and privately with the teacher. If needed, the administration will get involved, but speaking with the teacher first always builds trust and respect.
Decide if it’s best to have a phone conversation or to set a formal meeting time. E-mails or texts can be misinterpreted in so many ways. A phone call or meeting is easier to navigate and will be more productive.
Refrain from having the conversation on the fly (carline, before school, school event, etc.) or in front of other staff, parents, or children.
Refrain from getting other parents involved in your concerns. This tactic is not beneficial to a collaborative, trusting partnership.
Go into the conversation expecting the best intentions from the teacher.
Go into the conversation expecting to find common ground.
Be prepared to hear “the good, the bad, and the beautiful” about your child.
Go in understanding that you may not have the whole story.
Be clear about what you want to discuss. Focus on the things that genuinely affect your child. Be specific; give examples and details. Bring ideas and notes to the conversation. Be prepared to ask questions and to listen.
Guidelines for a Successful Courageous Conversation
Verbally acknowledge that these conversations can be difficult, and neither one of you is an expert on communication, so the goal is to navigate the conversation together with understanding and compassion.
Be respectful, kind, and open to new perspectives.
Show grace and courtesy.
Act as if a child was observing the conversation. Model how you would want your child to conduct a difficult conversation.
Keep conversation solution-oriented and not blame-oriented.
Be impeccable with your words; don’t assume and don’t take things personally, trying not to get defensive.
Keep the conversation about your child. Do not generalize or ask questions about other children. Teachers have to adhere to strict privacy laws and should not answer questions regarding other children. Trust that teachers will address concerns with the students involved, and with their parents, directly.
Be open to hearing your child’s part in a situation, better yet, ask, “What part did my child play?”
Choose words that promote partnership: “Can we talk about how Sue can build some friendships?” shows you are working in partnership, as opposed to, “Why isn’t Sue making any friends, the kids are all mean to her.” This comes across as an accusation.
Once you have all the information, you can assess the situation in a more thorough manner and ask follow-up questions for clarification
and understanding.
Think about what you want for your child. What would be an acceptable outcome? Is it in alignment with the Montessori philosophy?
Finish the conversation with an action plan. This step gives you a clearer understanding of the goals and strategies put in place. It also gives you a road map to use when checking in again at a later date to evaluate progress.
If the conversation needs to be continued, set up a day and time to complete this process.
Show gratitude and appreciation to the teacher.
Acknowledge yourself and the teacher. It can be difficult and emotional work navigating difficult conversations. Being brave should be honored.
Finally, keep this conversation confidential. As you reflect on this conversation, thoughts or questions may reveal themselves as days pass. Don’t hesitate to contact the teacher for clarification or to plan another conversation. ′
Tomorrow’s Child/ Jan 2019 / Pg 14
