DEAR CATHIE,
I understand the Montessori philosophy of “Follow the Child” and I really try to do that! But I also understand the importance of setting limits. Somehow that seems harder for me though. I seem to find these two tenets of the philosophy at odds with each other. How can I let my child set the pace of what he does if I keep limiting him? Thanks for helping me make sense of this! -—MOM
Dear Mom,
All children crave limits. This helps them know what is and isn’t appropriate as they grow and learn how to behave. Setting limits helps a child develop self-control, impulse control, and create positive life habits. Limits are fluid though, based on the needs, age, and maturity of the child; they change over the course of his childhood. For instance, when you and your child go shopping, a limit for a younger child may be that the child either sits in the cart or holds onto the cart while walking through the store. If the child lets go of the cart and tries to wander around the store alone, you simply lift him up and put him in the cart.
For an older child, the limit might be that the child has to stay within your view while you are shopping. If he leaves your view he has to stay with you and he no longer has the option to wander within your view. For a still older child, the limit may be that the child is free to shop wherever he pleases until the mutually agreed upon text, cell-phone call, or meet-up time and place.
Each child has a limit, but the limit grows as the child’s ability to handle the responsibility that accompanies that limit grows. “Follow the child” does not mean that you let your child “run the show” and decide what to do and when to do it. So while shopping, your child might ask to go and look at the toys. And while you might have plenty of time and be willing to do that, it is well within your parenting rights to say, no! It is not “following the child” to always say yes and do what the child wishes.
“Follow the child(ren), [and] they will show you what they need to do, what they need to develop in themselves, and what area they need to be challenged in. The aim of the children who persevere in their work with an object is certainly not to ‘learn;’ they are drawn to it by the needs of their inner life, which must be recognized and developed by its means.”
—Maria Montessori.
When Maria Montessori said, “follow the child,” she was speaking about letting the child take the lead about which areas he wanted to study or learn about. We, as parents and teachers, have a responsibility to not only allow, but to encourage him to pursue his interests as he constructs himself. Although all parents have hopes that their child will have interests and passions similar to theirs, it is not always true. It is certainly fine to expose your child to those things that you love, but it is not appropriate to force them upon your child.
When children are young, these interests are fleeting, and following an interest might be as simple as a trip to the library to get some books on a subject or a trip to the zoo to see a particular animal. As a child matures, it might include a knitting class at the craft store, a week of summer camp on an area of interest, or the science materials to construct a science experiment.
“Setting Limits” and “Follow the Child” are not inconsistent or mutually exclusive concepts. Work with both, and I think you will witness the growth of mind, spirit and body we all desire to see in our children.
Best Wishes!
Cathie
Tomorrow’s Child / April 2015 / p 26
