Realizing that your child is not learning or growing as anticipated is one of life’s most daunting challenges. In this article, we explore ways of dealing with that challenge.
Coming to the realization that one’s child is not learning or growing as anticipated is truly one of life’s most daunting challenges. Each family’s experience of having a child with an exceptionality is completely unique. And yet, there are a few common threads that can make the journey a bit easier for teachers and for families to navigate.
STAGES AND PERSONAL NARRATIVES
Being the parent of a child with a special need is a deeply personal experience. Disability experts suggest that families go through the classic stages of grief. However, families may find this approach stereotypical and even insulting. To suggest that a family is ‘in denial’ or in any of the other stages of grief can feel dismissive and insensitive. On the other hand, being aware of a range of possible feelings can be helpful for both families and teachers.
Shock, denial, guilt, isolation, panic, anger, bargaining, acceptance and hope comprise the usual set of stages (Boushey, 2001). I am the mother of a very grownup daughter who is deaf. Alicia is 35, married, and part of her job involves lobbying on Capitol Hill for employment opportunities for people with disabilities. I can certainly remember each of these stages. I also remember feeling confused when several of these feelings (especially panic and anger) would reoccur. “I was already angry and scared last year. How could I be mad and fearful again this year?” Then I remembered a counselor explaining that this is not a checklist of sequential steps. It is a cyclical and often reoccurring process. And it plays out differently for every mother, father, grandmother, and grandfather, as well as each additional member of the child’s family.
An alternative view suggests that every family has their own narrative or story or journey (Lavani & Douglas, 2013). Early childhood specialists who employ this family-centered approach focus on each family’s concerns, their priorities, and their particular set of resources. As families and teachers work together, these three components drive conversations, planning sessions, and evaluations. Specific concerns, priorities, and resources (‘CPR’) of the family are honored and valued, along with professional recommendations. While keeping the stages of grief in mind can be helpful, placing the family’s unique set of ‘CPRs’ front and center is often more productive. These two approaches (stages and personal narratives) can be seen when families and teachers first begin talking about a child’s special need. They are not mutually exclusive; in fact, they can work well together.
HEARING “THE NEWS”
More often than not, families have a sense that something is not going right before their child’s teacher shares a concern. Families hear this statement (“Let’s find a time to meet. I’d like to talk with you about a concern I have regarding T’s reading… or behavior… or… ”) in a myriad of ways. It is not unusual for families to feel devastated or at least upset. It’s vitally important for teachers to understand this reaction. Some families sit quietly, appearing polite and ‘on board’ but not actually hearing anything stated after the word ‘concern.’ Others respond quickly that the teacher is mistaken and provide specific examples of why their child is just fine.
Most are somewhere between these two reactions. They try to understand the teacher’s concern and even try to engage in planning how to address the concern. But as they ask questions and share their own insights, their hearts are usually racing and their thoughts are tumbling into a confused jumble. Here, it is important for teachers to gently guide families toward identifying their concerns. What worries the family? Are they concerned that more information is needed? That they can’t afford an evaluation? That their child might have difficulty making and keeping friends? Or that he or she might start to feel ‘different’? Or … ? Every family is different; every conversation will take its own course.
Teachers need to provide time and support for families at this point. Hearing and understanding ‘the news’ can take weeks, months or even years. During this time, teachers can provide clear examples of both the child’s areas of difficulty and the child’s areas of strength. Sharing balanced, accurate information will help families begin to set a course of action.
COMMON GROUND
As teachers and families begin the process of working together, remembering their shared goal of supporting the child is crucial. This is the first of two golden keys to partnering with families. Questions about this first key include: What is in the child’s best
interest? What can we do to support the child’s learning? Is this the best we can do for the child? These questions can provide common ground during difficult conversations between teachers and families. They can also steady teachers and families during upsetting interactions with the child.
Returning to the initial conversation, it is important to remember that each family’s reaction to the teacher’s concern is a demonstration of their care for their child. Whether the family objects, agrees, or appears to not respond, all families want the best possible outcome for their child. During this very difficult conversation, families appreciate hearing that their child’s teacher also truly cares and is searching for ways to assist the child grow and learn.
“PLOP”
The second golden key for families, as well as for teachers, is to know and honor the child’s present level of performance (affectionately known as the PLOP.). This is tricky. Teachers and families both want the child to be moving forward (that vitally important common ground). But progress can be slow. At times, there may not be any progress at all; or worse, the child may regress. Knowing what the child is able to do (rather than focusing on what he or she cannot do) is key. Can the child stay focused for 5 minutes? Rather than lamenting that the child cannot focus for 6 minutes, begin planning ways to support reaching this goal. Can the child recognize three letter sounds? Hold this as the child’s present level of performance (rather than as a problem), and with the family, implement lessons to assist the child in recognizing four sounds.
PARTNERING FOR THE CHILD
This seems like a lot of alphabet soup and jargon (CPR, PLOP, stages, narratives, journeys, common ground). Dr. Montessori provided a simple, clear focus. She urged us to recognize each individual child’s potential. She also pointed out that teachers transform themselves by observing the child carefully. Finally, she considered families as the cornerstone of each child’s journey toward adulthood. This is true for all children. Our work as teachers
and parents, then, is to be partners on behalf of children, particularly children who learn and grown differently.
RESOURCES:
Boushey, A. (2001). The Grief Cycle – One Parent’s Trip Around. Focus on Autism and Other Developmental Disabilities, 16(1), 27-30.
Lalvani, P. & Douglas, L. P. (2013). Historical perspectives on studying families of children with disabilities: A case for critical research. Disability Studies Quarterly, 33(3), 9–9.
TOMORROW’S CHILD © ♦ APRIL 2014 ♦ WWW.MONTESSORI.ORG
