The following tips are from Parents Magazine Online www.parents.com (not based on Montessori, but a gr
eat, free, online resource on parenting in general. Check it out!)
Keep Your Cool
Yes, it can get frustrating when your child debates nearly everything you do or say. However, getting angry, raising your voice, or being defensive won’t ease the conflict and may lead to a power struggle, says Annie Fox, author of Teaching Kids to Be Good People: Progressive Parenting for the 21st Century. Or worse, your child may shut down and feel he should never disagree with you or express his feelings. If you notice your emotions starting to rise, give yourself a few minutes to calm down, take a deep breath, and collect your thoughts. Then construct a level-headed way to address the situation at hand.
Make “Yes” Easy
Instead of asking open-ended questions, such as, “What do you want for a snack?” or “When do you want to take your bath?” offer two specific options like, “You can choose either yogurt or fruit” or “You can take your bath now or in 30 minutes. Which would you prefer?” Using this approach will make your child feel as if she has a choice in the matter — plus, she’ll go along with a Mom-approved pick with little or no fuss.
Be Firm
It’s important to be firm and consistent when letting your child know that certain things, such as wearing a seat belt, brushing his teeth, and taking prescribed medication, are non-negotiable. If your child tries to argue about something that you have already explained is a firm rule, Fox suggests that you simply repeat the original instructions and not get into a debate about it. When an issue isn’t as serious but you still don’t want the back-and-forth bickering, Dr. Paone recommends using the ACT limit-setting technique: Acknowledge the feeling (“I know you want to go to the park”), Communicate the limit (“but it’s too cold to play outside today”), and Target the alternatives (“so you can read a book or we can play a board game together instead”).
Encourage Compromise
Although you may feel your child gets enough practice trying to get you to do things her way, helping her practice negotiation skills at home can increase the chance that she will use them with peers, teachers, and other adults in her life, explains Erik A. Fisher, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of The Art of Empowered Parenting: The Manual You Wish Your Kids Came With. For instance, if she wants to take her favorite toy along on vacation but you’re afraid she’ll lose or break it, ask her to state her case before you’ll agree. Gently guide her by asking her to explain why she wants to take the toy, how she’ll keep it safe, and what other solution she can think of to satisfy both of you. As she gets more experience, she’ll be able to work through the negotiation process without your lead.
Originally published in the September 2013 issue of Parents magazine.
