Dad with his 10 years old kid girl cooking in the kitchen, casual lifestyle photo series. Child making breakfast with parent together. Cozy homely scene.
Our daughter, Brianna, was laying on the couch with her earbuds on doing the typical teenage ‘thing.’ Brian, my husband, started pestering her about something she hadn’t done. Brianna rolled her eyes and continued to listen to her music. Brian’s tone of voice escalated, and I knew this was not going anywhere good. So, I pulled my hubby aside and asked him what he needed. He thought for a moment and said, “I guess what I really need is to connect with our daughter. I miss her.” (ahh…so tender) I gently asked, “Is what you are doing working?” He sheepishly shook his head “no.” I asked, “What else could you do?” Then the next thing I saw brought tears to my eyes. He sat at the end of the couch and proceeded to rub her feet (one of her favorites). Brianna slowly took out her earbuds and they began to connect in a fun conversation.
Sometimes, dads feel like a “duck out of water” when it comes to relating to their tween/teen daughter. The little girl’s body that used to rough and tumble now has begun to develop, making roughing and tumbling awkward. Also, this stage in a girl’s life is fraught with emotional upheavals, which often makes dads shy away. This is often the stage where dads take a back seat. It’s imperative that, no matter what, dads avoid the temptation to pull away or withdraw during this challenging stage of growing up. A father’s influence in his daughter’s life shapes her self-esteem, self-image, confidence, and opinions of men. The type of men that women date are directly related to the kind of relationship a girl has with her father. Dad may need to find new ways to connect.
16 Ways Dads Can Connect with Their Tween/Teen Daughters
1: Ask her what she wants to learn or do.
2: If she is indecisive, give her three options to choose from.
3: Take her fishing or something nostalgic that brings up good past memories.
4: Take apart an engine together.
5: Build something together for decorating her room, like pallet wood (it’s the cool thing now).
6: Ask her advice about something, i.e. the way you dress, a problem colleague at work or friend.
7: Take up a sport together. Learn a new language with her.
8: Share your stories of growing up.
9: Grill dinner together.
10: Take her with you to work.
11: Bring lunch to her at school, and find a quiet place to have a picnic.
12: Take her go carting … a great safe place to prepare her to learn how to drive.
13: Take her on an adventure and have her help plan it.
14: Talk to her about why boys think and act the way they do.
15: Learn to discern when she needs you to just listen and when she needs your advice.
16: Take her out to dinner, and treat her as a gentleman would (opening doors, sliding in her chair and ordering for her).
Take Time to Connect
You may be thinking you don’t have time. I was coaching a single dad of five girls all under the age of 14. I shared with him how important it was to have one-on-one time with each girl. He snickered and said, “That could get expensive taking 5 girls to dinner one time a week.” As we explored options, he came up with this idea. Every night, Dad walked their dog for twenty minutes. So, he decided to have the girls take turns walking the dog with him. Brilliant!
Even though she makes many attempts to push you away with prickly conversations, dagger-like glances, and tones of disgust, she needs you now more than ever.
Learning to navigate these turbulent waters gracefully will build her character and yours. When you get on the other side in a few short years, you will be well rewarded.ν
Kathryn Kvols is the author of the popular Redirecting Children’s Behavior parenting course and book. You can subscribe to her free “Parenting Practices” at
www.incaf.com.
Tomorrow’s Child / Nov 2018 / Pg 28
