When Toddlers Say No!

by Tracey Hall | Brain Development, Family Resources, Infant-Toddler (0 to 3), MFA, Montessori Education, Montessori Family Life, Montessori Parenting, Montessori Teachers, Psychology

Most parents of toddlers have heard somewhere that their child is interested in being independent, or that developing a strong sense of autonomy is an important part of development for children between the ages of fifteen months and three. However, when your child is saying “NO!” to dressing, toileting, leaving an event, or anything else you suggest, it can be hard to think about supporting autonomy.

I think it is helpful to remember that toddlers love the word “No,” because it is so powerful. When a toddler says “NO!” or “ I don’t wanna!” or even when she shrieks and throws herself down, she is saying, “ I am a person, and I have an opinion that matters.” This is something we want them to grow up believing about themselves AND we still want to be able to leave the library peacefully. My suggestion is that you begin by acknowledging your child’s response, both what she said, and what you think she is feeling. Something like:

“I heard you say ‘no,’ and it seems to me that you are really sad about leaving the library. The library is really fun.”

Then, do not engage in the power struggle, instead of saying, “But we need to leave now,” try offering a choice that moves you toward leaving:

“Would you like to hold my hand or carry a book on the way to the coat rack?” It is still surprising to me that a combination of acknowledgment and choice can completely change the experience. I think it is because children both have a desire to be seen and to feel a sense of control via the choice.

If your child continues to say, “No,” you might suggest one more choice like, “We can tip-toe to the car or we can shuffle like a train on a track.” Still,“No”?

When you need to set a final limit, it is important to be clear and immediate. If you spend time negotiating with the child rather than offering clear, simple choices, she will quickly recognize how powerful she feels and try to keep you in negotiation offer a final choice, “You may walk with me, or I can help you.”  If the child chooses to walk, you are on your way. Sometimes, even when you are offering really creative choices, your child will emotionally meltdown in the library or loudly refuse the offered options. When my boys were little and they fell apart somewhere, I would remind myself that when I chose to have children, I was also choosing to be embarrassed in public. As a mother of four boys, I know how tempting it can be to give in rather than be the loud family at the library. Investing in setting limits during one tantrum really will reduce the total number of tantrums down the line! (this is a mantra worth repeating.)  But choices will not work with a child who is already very upset. It is important to stick with your expectation: it is still time to leave the library. In fact, within the leaving-the-library scenario, the ideal response is to quickly leave with the upset child. Tell her, “I am going to help you leave the library now.” Then, as firmly as necessary but as gently as possible, assist your child in leaving the library. Some children will come with you if you hold their hand; others will need to be carried out of the library.

Toddlers aren’t yet able to imagine what we are thinking, but they can sense what we are feeling and are great at recognizing cause and effect. (When I do this, Dad does that.)  This works both for us and against us. With consistent limits, they learn where the boundaries are and stop pushing, with inconsistent limits they constantly check to see where the limit is today.

Theorists from Maria Montessori to Alison Gopnik state that children learn by doing. Toddlers are interested in understanding intentions, relationships, and limits, and just as they explore in the bathtub to learn about fluidity, they will explore within their interactions with you to learn how to be in a relationship. When your child says “No,” she may be wondering if it could really be true that you want something different than she does. Perhaps, she wants to know what grown-ups do when children protest, or she is simply asserting her right to have an opinion. Maybe, something like being tired or hungry is affecting her ability to manage impulses at all. If you pay attention, your child’s behavior may give you clues to her underlying motivations.

Toddlers have not yet developed the brain connections they need to inhibit their impulses or regulate emotion very much at all. Once a child feels a big emotion, her brain can be quickly swamped. Even for adults, it can be challenging to make rational choices when we are angry.  Usually, though, we have mediating thoughts such as, “If I yell at my boss, I probably won’t get that promotion and maybe I’ll get fired,” or, “ If I yell at this frustrating toddler in the library, the librarians will be upset.” As adults, we moderate our emotional responses based on perceived consequences and social expectations. Toddlers have not yet internalized expectations and are unable to process even simple thoughts once they are really upset.

Once you have left the library, continue to help your child by guiding her toward soothing behaviors that will help her learn to calm herself. You know your child best and can use past experience to guide you. As long as you have maintained your limit, you can acknowledge how your child is feeling and offer a soothing hug.  Some children do calm down driving quietly in their car seat.

Tomorrow’s Child / November 2016 / p 26