African American mother (20s) and daughter (5 years) at the park, little girl frowning.
Have you ever caught your child lying? It would really be surprising if you said no.
Lying is part of growing up.
Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D., author of 1-2-3 Magic Parenting™ broke down the probability of lying into age groups, as follows:
♣ 2-year olds: 20%
♣ 3-year-olds: 50%
♣ 4-year-olds: 90%
♣ 16-year-olds: 70%
Depending on the age of your child, the reasons for lying vary.
Really young children, technically speaking, may not even know that what they are saying is not true. At certain developmental stages, young children may not be able to separate truth from a lie or reality from fantasy, which is, by the way, the reason that Montessorians keep make-believe out of their early childhood classrooms. Young children have a very real fascination with a fantasy that does not need reinforcement at school.
By the age of four, you see a dramatic increase in lying. By this age, their ability to communicate is much more advanced, and they have a better grasp on reality, but it’s hard to let go of those precious princess costumes and ballet tutus that may now be equal parts fantasy and fashion statement. And then there are super-hero phases that change by the week. One week, a child is Spiderman™; next week, you find yourself sitting across the breakfast table from a warrior Ninja Turtle™. At the age of five, one of my grandchildren changed his name from Jackson to Hong and insisted that he was born in Korea. It lasted about a year. Was he technically lying? A definite maybe. Was it really annoying? Oh, yes!
Past the early childhood years, the two main reasons for lying are:
1. To impress other people
2. To avoid punishment by covering up misbehavior
or mistakes
Is there anything parents can do to reduce the lying behavior?
Dr. Phelen would suggest the answer is yes!
Don’t freak out. Just because your five-year-old told parents accompanying their children to his birthday party that the family moved to their new home because it was just too sad to stay in the house where his other (non-existent) brother died, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is doomed to become a serial killer or, worse, a politician. While that was quite a whopper of a lie, after the other children’s parents stopped crying and learned the truth, it did become a teachable moment.
Don’t ask emotionally loaded questions, such as: “I cannot believe you did this! What were you thinking?” The truth is that many unfortunate acts happened soooo 5 minutes ago; in child time that was a long time ago, so a very creative response becomes necessary, even if it makes absolutely no sense. For example: When I found a very sharp carving knife in my five-year-old’s bedroom, I freaked. When questioned, my son answered: “A big spider brought it into my room.” True story.
Don’t back the perpetrator into a corner if something unfortunate happens and you already know who did it, and you suspect you even know why the behavior occurred. Calmly, tell her you to know what she did. Instead of demanding an immediate answer, give her time to think about her response. You are more likely to get an honest answer. Thank her for telling the truth and discuss the consequences and, most importantly, what can be changed to prevent a repeat of the offense.
Teenage behavior deserves an article all to itself because the consequences are much more serious. Fortunately, in my case, I was lucky to get through the teen years without too many extraordinary lies, angst, or dangerous behavior, but other parents are not so lucky. I can’t take credit for incredible parenting skills. To the contrary, I was (and still am) of the pick-your-battle school of getting along with the people (young and old) with whom I share my life.
For now, remain calm, consistent, and carry on. ′
Joyce St. Giermaine is the Editor of Tomorrow’s Child and Montessori Leadership magazines.
Tomorrow’s Child / January 2018 / p 25
